I have noticed that I am only happy when I am yearning for something that I can't have. I always want what I don't have and I want what I can't have. I realize I have lived my whole life in this pattern. It usually starts with a chance happening... that look, the smile, and the realization that this person is someone who is interesting... unattainable.
I am not sure exactly when this pattern started. I have always had boyfriends. In grade school boyfriends were a game. Us girls would get together and discuss who was the cutest boy, and then it was a free for all. I enjoyed the chase. Back then being with a guy for a week was a long relationship. Life was good. I have to admit, I was pretty competitive. Then came high school, the dynamics of the game had changed, it pretty much sneaked up on me. Boys didn't like you anymore because you could run fast, or catch well in dodge ball. No, boys were interested in your body. The game became a lot more complicated after that; in order to "catch" a guy, you had to charm them, act like they were smart, cool, & interesting - even put out a bit.
Question is, what happens if I do get what I want? Or worse, what happens when that object of pursuit suddenly loses its charm.
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