Is it me, or am i not the only one who has begged God everyday for something, with a hope that one day he will miraculously give me what my heart has been dying for. Yes, perhaps when I was younger that puppy, or doll I yearned for never did show up. I grew up, but I find myself repeating the same request over and over again. God please, just give me this.... I find myself never varying too far from my fav 5 list. Has anyone of these desires ever been mine? Hard to say. I know that for about 3 years, I asked God for the ability to be smart and understand things. I know some people would think that God answered my prayers, but I am not sure if I would agree. I have asked for the lottery, for boyfriends, for a better job... numerous things. Yet, in my heart of heart. I wonder. Is there a God who listens to me? Is there really a God who wants or cares about the "desires of my heart".
I know that for the past 2 years I have consistently asked God for one thing. Sometimes I am begging, pleading, trying to convince him of my sincerity. Sometimes I am belligerent and am practically daring him to do this for me. Sometimes I find myself justifying my need for this, why I want it, why I would need, it, how I would take care of it.
A couple of weeks ago, I heard someone say that we don't get what we ask for because we are asking for the wrong thing. Question, who makes that judgement call? I want it, how do I know if it is right or wrong for me. I know that I just want it. Will it make me happy? no, but I sure will be happier with it. That I can tell you!
Unfortunately, this is something that is almost a obsession with me now. I want it - even for a little while, so I can have the freedom of letting it go. The freedom of saying okay, had it, now I am done with it. I can move on with my life. However, it is not to be. Tonight, again I will dream of it, I will fantasise of having "it". When I wake up, it will be the first thing on my mind. Thus has been the last two years of my life. I have tried substitutions, and they don't work. I know that if I don't get "it" I will never be whole, but will always have that nagging feeling as if I missed out on something wonderful.
I wonder if I may be asking the wrong person/being. Should I look to myself for it? I doubt it, I think I have tried and failed, I think i need the assistance of something/someone. So I call on the powers of fate, Destiny or of a Supreme Being, bring me out of my misery. Allow me this one little thing. I will be much more careful next time in what I place my desire upon. I will cherish it, I will take care of it.
Meanwhile, I have this deep empty crevice inside of me that drives me slowly insane.
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