I love new beginnings. It is fun to start new jobs, live in a new house, start a new relationship. How fun is that? I wish that life was a series of new events. However, to have a new event, you have to finish something. That usually sounds good. Let's finish the project, let's finish the job - but what about that relationship? That is usually harder to end.
I love new relationships, I just wish that the old ones didn't have to end. I feel as if life is a roller coaster at times. I wonder do I really want to do this ride again? Yes it is exhilarating, it is crazy ass fun! It is just the ending that can really cost. I always wonder afterwards, maybe I am just riding the wrong ride.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Monday, June 30, 2008
Is Love A Compromise
I find myself asking this rhetorical question, what is love? Why do we all seem to crave it? Even those crotchety old men, they search for it too. What is about love that we all share the same need to be loved and to give love. Oh we all have many ways we express love, but deep down - it's the same. We are looking for someone to see thru us inside our souls and love us anyway. Yet, do I really want to love? that's the dilemma. We all want it, but we can't seem to give it.
Most of the folks I know compromise. Yes, I know that is what relationships are about... Nope! How many couples do you know that are together for 20 plus years, and think with superiority that they are doing just super. Yet, when you look into their world, oh they compromise all right. The dads are doing the work thing, supporting the family. The women, they are doing the mom thing, taking care of children, ferreting the kids around, involved with school blah blah blah. I know, I did the same thing - ha!
Yet, when do they come together and say, God I love you! When do they look into each other's eyes and say Man i just love you. Ask the man to tell you the color of her hair. Believe me - I have, and they can't tell you. They don't know how long it is, the color. .. they just come up blank. Crazy? yes, I think so too! They live together, but never SEE each other. But....just because 90% of the couples I know are like that. Wow, it's that one couple that you know. They are together for 25 plus years. They are into their 50's. You visit their home and it is love. You can feel it. Yes, he looks at her, you barely caught it - but it's that look. The one that says you are to die for! Your the one who makes me want to get up in the mornings and join life.
Compromise, yes in the right context it is a fine word. It is a necessary word - especially with relationships. However, 90% of the couples I know compromise in ways where love shouldn't compromise. They are partners in with the only priority to raise the kids. Family is important only because of the kids. These couples actually congratulate themselves because they are together - look at all the divorce around them! They scoff at those. Great, just what we need - more children raised with the idea that marriage is mediocre at best. That Mom and Dad live together, sleep together, but without passion. No wonder girls grow up with that negative sex connotation. If you grew up like I did, where passion was evident, you realize the faux pas. Isn't passion the vitality of life? Don't tell me passion dies, it just finds other avenues.
Why is it that married couples are more passionate about their jobs, the church, about sports, or the latest movie/book - then they are for their partner. Yet they pat themselves on the backs. We aren't divorced, hey we are not having affairs, but they would rather spend their time with the children, or alone on mini breaks - then spending it with their spouse. Oh yeah, that is giving the other person his "space" - okay, whatever.... Space is freedom to be yourself with that other person. Who accepts you as you are.
I can't compromise. I tried. I think, alright, I am attractive, I could find a guy - settle down and marry him. But....then I look at that 10% group. Yes fortunately I actually know those couples that I speak about who love each other. One couple are in their 70's. They have been married for more than 50 plus years. My God! you would think they would be bored, tired angry people after all those years. I have never seen two people more in love then they are. It is in their eyes, the way they look at each other- the way they treat each other. Not a polite stilted conversation, but a communing of ideas, of listening. the giving of special treats for each other, those little notes of encouragement. Amazing!!!!
That is why I can't compromise. I cannot drop into a relationship because I am lonely, or bored or needing companionship. I'll get a pet before that day comes. No - I am looking for that one person who I can look into their eyes and know that I don't just accept them for who they are, but I love them for who they are. Yes, their quirkiness can get old. I am not talking infatuation here, I am talking about love that grows from that initial spark and actually gets fed for years and years. Like wine, by the time you retire that love can be sweeter, more potent than when you were young and just hormonal. The sweet sweet aroma of love stomped by years of life, added with the bitterness of disappointments shared that gives it the full body taste of .... ha okay getting dorky now with the wine allegory. You get the picture - right?
love is not a compromise, yes you compromise in relationships, but you never ever compromise love.
Most of the folks I know compromise. Yes, I know that is what relationships are about... Nope! How many couples do you know that are together for 20 plus years, and think with superiority that they are doing just super. Yet, when you look into their world, oh they compromise all right. The dads are doing the work thing, supporting the family. The women, they are doing the mom thing, taking care of children, ferreting the kids around, involved with school blah blah blah. I know, I did the same thing - ha!
Yet, when do they come together and say, God I love you! When do they look into each other's eyes and say Man i just love you. Ask the man to tell you the color of her hair. Believe me - I have, and they can't tell you. They don't know how long it is, the color. .. they just come up blank. Crazy? yes, I think so too! They live together, but never SEE each other. But....just because 90% of the couples I know are like that. Wow, it's that one couple that you know. They are together for 25 plus years. They are into their 50's. You visit their home and it is love. You can feel it. Yes, he looks at her, you barely caught it - but it's that look. The one that says you are to die for! Your the one who makes me want to get up in the mornings and join life.
Compromise, yes in the right context it is a fine word. It is a necessary word - especially with relationships. However, 90% of the couples I know compromise in ways where love shouldn't compromise. They are partners in with the only priority to raise the kids. Family is important only because of the kids. These couples actually congratulate themselves because they are together - look at all the divorce around them! They scoff at those. Great, just what we need - more children raised with the idea that marriage is mediocre at best. That Mom and Dad live together, sleep together, but without passion. No wonder girls grow up with that negative sex connotation. If you grew up like I did, where passion was evident, you realize the faux pas. Isn't passion the vitality of life? Don't tell me passion dies, it just finds other avenues.
Why is it that married couples are more passionate about their jobs, the church, about sports, or the latest movie/book - then they are for their partner. Yet they pat themselves on the backs. We aren't divorced, hey we are not having affairs, but they would rather spend their time with the children, or alone on mini breaks - then spending it with their spouse. Oh yeah, that is giving the other person his "space" - okay, whatever.... Space is freedom to be yourself with that other person. Who accepts you as you are.
I can't compromise. I tried. I think, alright, I am attractive, I could find a guy - settle down and marry him. But....then I look at that 10% group. Yes fortunately I actually know those couples that I speak about who love each other. One couple are in their 70's. They have been married for more than 50 plus years. My God! you would think they would be bored, tired angry people after all those years. I have never seen two people more in love then they are. It is in their eyes, the way they look at each other- the way they treat each other. Not a polite stilted conversation, but a communing of ideas, of listening. the giving of special treats for each other, those little notes of encouragement. Amazing!!!!
That is why I can't compromise. I cannot drop into a relationship because I am lonely, or bored or needing companionship. I'll get a pet before that day comes. No - I am looking for that one person who I can look into their eyes and know that I don't just accept them for who they are, but I love them for who they are. Yes, their quirkiness can get old. I am not talking infatuation here, I am talking about love that grows from that initial spark and actually gets fed for years and years. Like wine, by the time you retire that love can be sweeter, more potent than when you were young and just hormonal. The sweet sweet aroma of love stomped by years of life, added with the bitterness of disappointments shared that gives it the full body taste of .... ha okay getting dorky now with the wine allegory. You get the picture - right?
love is not a compromise, yes you compromise in relationships, but you never ever compromise love.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Ask and you shall receive
Is it me, or am i not the only one who has begged God everyday for something, with a hope that one day he will miraculously give me what my heart has been dying for. Yes, perhaps when I was younger that puppy, or doll I yearned for never did show up. I grew up, but I find myself repeating the same request over and over again. God please, just give me this.... I find myself never varying too far from my fav 5 list. Has anyone of these desires ever been mine? Hard to say. I know that for about 3 years, I asked God for the ability to be smart and understand things. I know some people would think that God answered my prayers, but I am not sure if I would agree. I have asked for the lottery, for boyfriends, for a better job... numerous things. Yet, in my heart of heart. I wonder. Is there a God who listens to me? Is there really a God who wants or cares about the "desires of my heart".
I know that for the past 2 years I have consistently asked God for one thing. Sometimes I am begging, pleading, trying to convince him of my sincerity. Sometimes I am belligerent and am practically daring him to do this for me. Sometimes I find myself justifying my need for this, why I want it, why I would need, it, how I would take care of it.
A couple of weeks ago, I heard someone say that we don't get what we ask for because we are asking for the wrong thing. Question, who makes that judgement call? I want it, how do I know if it is right or wrong for me. I know that I just want it. Will it make me happy? no, but I sure will be happier with it. That I can tell you!
Unfortunately, this is something that is almost a obsession with me now. I want it - even for a little while, so I can have the freedom of letting it go. The freedom of saying okay, had it, now I am done with it. I can move on with my life. However, it is not to be. Tonight, again I will dream of it, I will fantasise of having "it". When I wake up, it will be the first thing on my mind. Thus has been the last two years of my life. I have tried substitutions, and they don't work. I know that if I don't get "it" I will never be whole, but will always have that nagging feeling as if I missed out on something wonderful.
I wonder if I may be asking the wrong person/being. Should I look to myself for it? I doubt it, I think I have tried and failed, I think i need the assistance of something/someone. So I call on the powers of fate, Destiny or of a Supreme Being, bring me out of my misery. Allow me this one little thing. I will be much more careful next time in what I place my desire upon. I will cherish it, I will take care of it.
Meanwhile, I have this deep empty crevice inside of me that drives me slowly insane.
I know that for the past 2 years I have consistently asked God for one thing. Sometimes I am begging, pleading, trying to convince him of my sincerity. Sometimes I am belligerent and am practically daring him to do this for me. Sometimes I find myself justifying my need for this, why I want it, why I would need, it, how I would take care of it.
A couple of weeks ago, I heard someone say that we don't get what we ask for because we are asking for the wrong thing. Question, who makes that judgement call? I want it, how do I know if it is right or wrong for me. I know that I just want it. Will it make me happy? no, but I sure will be happier with it. That I can tell you!
Unfortunately, this is something that is almost a obsession with me now. I want it - even for a little while, so I can have the freedom of letting it go. The freedom of saying okay, had it, now I am done with it. I can move on with my life. However, it is not to be. Tonight, again I will dream of it, I will fantasise of having "it". When I wake up, it will be the first thing on my mind. Thus has been the last two years of my life. I have tried substitutions, and they don't work. I know that if I don't get "it" I will never be whole, but will always have that nagging feeling as if I missed out on something wonderful.
I wonder if I may be asking the wrong person/being. Should I look to myself for it? I doubt it, I think I have tried and failed, I think i need the assistance of something/someone. So I call on the powers of fate, Destiny or of a Supreme Being, bring me out of my misery. Allow me this one little thing. I will be much more careful next time in what I place my desire upon. I will cherish it, I will take care of it.
Meanwhile, I have this deep empty crevice inside of me that drives me slowly insane.
Monday, June 2, 2008
To Dream the Impossible Dream
I have noticed that I am only happy when I am yearning for something that I can't have. I always want what I don't have and I want what I can't have. I realize I have lived my whole life in this pattern. It usually starts with a chance happening... that look, the smile, and the realization that this person is someone who is interesting... unattainable.
I am not sure exactly when this pattern started. I have always had boyfriends. In grade school boyfriends were a game. Us girls would get together and discuss who was the cutest boy, and then it was a free for all. I enjoyed the chase. Back then being with a guy for a week was a long relationship. Life was good. I have to admit, I was pretty competitive. Then came high school, the dynamics of the game had changed, it pretty much sneaked up on me. Boys didn't like you anymore because you could run fast, or catch well in dodge ball. No, boys were interested in your body. The game became a lot more complicated after that; in order to "catch" a guy, you had to charm them, act like they were smart, cool, & interesting - even put out a bit.
Question is, what happens if I do get what I want? Or worse, what happens when that object of pursuit suddenly loses its charm.
I am not sure exactly when this pattern started. I have always had boyfriends. In grade school boyfriends were a game. Us girls would get together and discuss who was the cutest boy, and then it was a free for all. I enjoyed the chase. Back then being with a guy for a week was a long relationship. Life was good. I have to admit, I was pretty competitive. Then came high school, the dynamics of the game had changed, it pretty much sneaked up on me. Boys didn't like you anymore because you could run fast, or catch well in dodge ball. No, boys were interested in your body. The game became a lot more complicated after that; in order to "catch" a guy, you had to charm them, act like they were smart, cool, & interesting - even put out a bit.
Question is, what happens if I do get what I want? Or worse, what happens when that object of pursuit suddenly loses its charm.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Is this what they call Karma?
I met a really nice looking guy last week and he asked me for my number. I was only to happy to give it to him so that we could possibly "hook up" this weekend. He did call me on Friday to make arrangements to meet on Sunday. My cell phone is the only phone that I use.and would you believe that this cell phone of mine just died this morning! Yes, it is in a state of not awakening as the Verizon tech guy informed me today. As my cell phone slumbers, I lose out on a promising adventure - oh the irony!
So, my new friend, probably thinks I stood him up as he was supposed to call me this am and we were going to have breakfast and a movie today. UUUUGGGGHHHHH! Can you believe it? Now, what would you think I have done in my past to deserve this unlucky break? Of course I saved his number ON MY DEAD PHONE, so I couldn't even call him this morning to explain. I am not sure how I am going to contact him. I do know where he works, in that that is where we met. I have to admit, I am a bit ambiguous of going there and trying to explain. Is this fate telling me something? or is it just Karma.
So, my new friend, probably thinks I stood him up as he was supposed to call me this am and we were going to have breakfast and a movie today. UUUUGGGGHHHHH! Can you believe it? Now, what would you think I have done in my past to deserve this unlucky break? Of course I saved his number ON MY DEAD PHONE, so I couldn't even call him this morning to explain. I am not sure how I am going to contact him. I do know where he works, in that that is where we met. I have to admit, I am a bit ambiguous of going there and trying to explain. Is this fate telling me something? or is it just Karma.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
When work controls your life
am i the only one who feels as if work controls my entire life? As a clinical/tech support person for a large university hospital, I am always on call. I didn't realize that this was part and parcel of the job when I first signed up. This means that when i am away on vacation, on weekends, I am tied to a pager and cell phone. I have been interrupted at church, on dates, during concerts etc., How did this happen? Good question.
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